(of a feeling, especially love) not returned.“she’s been pining with unrequited love”
.. Such is life. You do this to some, and some do this to you.
.. Such is life. You do this to some, and some do this to you.
There’s a time when you reach an exit point. The point where the sudden realization hits you about how the worst thing in the world is to be in a relationship and be alone. Realizing that it is not possible to spend the next 20 years, 10 years, 5 years,1 year or even a month more with a person who makes me feel miserable, unwanted, like an outsider in his life – where I needed to be the most important person – isn’t that what a marriage is about. Anyway, its over now. I hope. I pray. A person who injured my self-esteem, removed my focus from the things which matter to me. A person who made big promises of fixing things, but could never share himself with me due to his intense relationship with his parents. A person with who I could not talk because he was never interested. A person with whom I couldn’t talk about my innermost feelings, my friends because hey, where did he ever have the time when he had to focus on going down his list which had so many things to do for his parents. A twisted, manipulative, planner who did all to keep me blaming myself in the relationship. It took its while.. but I reached that exit point. That moment which was a build up of months and months of unhappiness, that shocked ‘how could he do that to me’ when he slapped me, slammed the cupboard on my arm, when he confused me of all those promises of fixing things, and then again it was the same repeated shit of – I will not attend function a if you don’t visit my parents. That refocus on me being servile to your parents when our whole marriage was in such a disarray. How often should I have kept rewinding, going back to the same point with you, the same angst again and again and again over and over and over- where you look like you’ve understood, you make big promises, and then you go back to being yourself. The yourself which is focussed on you and your parents and where me and our marriage picture nowhere. Your promises which you say will go “parallel with me fixing things with your parents”. Why should I be fixing this with your parents. What genuine respect or love have you ever shown to mine? How can I forget the years of plotting and negativity your parents and you had against me. How can I forget how you are so reluctant to consider me part of your life that you don’t let go of a penny easily in our direction. The way you believe that apartment which was my idea to buy, in which I poured so much savings is yours to keep. How can I spend my life with a person who values me so little, who has no integrity and so easily claims things which I have so much stake in, a person who considered me an outsider every day of my married life. I’m so glad you’re out of it. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate how much of my life was wasted on you. I hate that even for that adorable child you could not change.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when I think I’m slipping at work, or that I’m not being the best I can be, against myself and against those around me. There is this nagging feeling i get that I should have done so much more work-wise, gunned for more, achieved more. But ..there’s always a but -I am unsure if I can be better at what I’m doing now. Is this what I was made for. I don’t know. I just want to do and be More.
Written somewhere around early 2016.
Feb 2017, and I’m in a better place. Not slipping at work. Got a new role thanks to my manager(yeah, my favorite guy!). Enough happening at work.
Feeling sorry for ourselves.. this is probably the root of all feelings of misery in this world. Most religions/spiritual gurus talk of detachment as a solution. Detaching yourself sounds to me like living without bonds. Bonds and relationships are what make up life – the bond with your parents, the bond with your child, the bond with your siblings, friends, spouse are what makes life worth living. Detaching completely and still being ‘involved’ say the gurus – what does that mean. How can one have involvement without emotions – ice-cold logical involvement? I choose to detach from what disturbs. Feeling sorry for myself is something which i’ve finally gotten over.
–> Written somewhere in Feb 2015
Adding to this now, again at a new crossroads in life. Have an eight year old who I feel sorry for. For myself, I don’t feel sorry. I am happy to be rid of the most toxic manipulative uncaring person in my life – the one who was supposed to plan for me, but used to plan against me – Why? He was Passive Aggressive. Period.
Another 2 months..and I’ll be 35
If there’s a colour I’d choose to write a song to- it would be green (my first love-green, right from primary school. My son’s is orange). How on earth did we wear the exact same green to work on Ethnic day – the exact same unusual shade – Deep Sea Green. So shocked was I – you’ve got to be kidding me. It took my all not to stare open-mouthed. Your wife has good taste I said – cover up. What i actually wanted to say was – how hot you look. The deep green on that lovely brown skin, bringing out the lightish brown of your eyes. Your taut body, toned with all the cricket and badminton you play, makes me want to hold those arms exactly at those biceps ..mmm. Remembering the Friday before- when you came and sat in the next cube to work. Why would you do that- if not because you enjoy talking to me. The way you pose for pics – exactly like I do, arm around whoever stands close by- the trusting instinct. The feel of your warm hand enclosing mine when I came to wish you for what you’ve achieved. Your achievement – wow! What kind of inexplicable connection could this possibly be…Dear God, do not add to the fantasy movie already running in my head..after a bit, the line with reality slowly begins to blur.
Sat Morning-7.30 am V. short walk followed by entry of the maid ‘n cook
8.30-9.30 am: Baby N (8 this year,sigh) skates on the road while I run alongside
9.30 am – Breakfast with baby N at a new Darshini near home (some more steps added to the weekend fitbit challenge-check)
Sat morn – Studies, arguments, tussles with N 🙂
5 pm- N dropped off to Tennis class
6pm -7pm – Pick up from tennis class, N plays in the park, talking to kids his age, swing, slide, running. I walk walk walk – 14,000 steps -> hehehe..now catch up with me.
8 pm- Party from Sam, Ash, Garima at Toit, Cocktail follows cocktail – 1 liit, 2 liit, 3 liit, 4 .
12.30 am -Head to G local for some dancing and shots . Bollywood music scene..lol. Such dancing, such fun – damn, forgot my fitbit.
1.30 am – Shower, Crash, All lights out (Pun intended)
7 am – Fully awake, the curse of years of never waking up late.
7.30 am- 8.30 am – Go for a long walk – 5000 steps. Jog not possible, yet not hungover- Got good genes (1 kahlua based cocktail, couple of Liits, shot and still standing)
2 pm – Head with N to Smokehouse Deli – meeting the college crowd.
2.30 pm – 5.15 pm- Sangria and some great food with some of my dearest, oldest.
Step count – 9k steps
7.45pm- Mr. D on the weekend challenge moves too close. Damn – got to win thisone. Drizzling outside. Arm myself with an umbrella and walk up to Nilgiri’s, Nature’s basket for some shopping. Shopping is just an excuse. Winning is the intent.
9pm -12k steps. Take that Mr. D – pow. And sweet grin to K on the challenge.